another day

Last night we went to the moldy apt to get the last of the saveables and throw some small stuff out. As we were driving up to the complex my heart sank and the depression returned. Went inside it grew. Scrambled to get everything on my list and get out! But then I started taking things to the dumpster and something strange happened I felt empowered!! It was like on that show Hoarders on A&E. You know they cry they complain they are self destructive but then on the last day they start to throw away stuff themselves and they feel great. There I was chucking some beloved yet moldy person items into a dumpster never to be seen or heard from again and I felt fabulous. I began to really throw them in there. Getting out my frustration and anger. And knowing with each thing I get rid of the closer we are to being able to move on. But still saddened. I just need this to be over. This day, this chapter in our lives, etc. Just want to crawl under the covers and come out in Spring!

So I leave, Peter stays behind to do some more work. But little man has to get home, get dinner, and get to bed. Now J hates having a dirty diaper, many times we have had to pull over to change him when we are super close to our destination but he just can not hold on. So on the 25 min drive he needs a change. I can smell that he needs a change. All I want to do is get home and finish my day and go to bed but he needs a change. I am willing him in my head to hang on, to not have a break down, just let us make it home. And he did. Thankfully, blissfully, he made it.
We pull up to the house and I am carrying a diaper bag, my knitting bag ( I had dreams of getting to the Wed night knitting group, ha ha ha), a walgreens bag, and J. The phone rings, its my mom. Have to call you back I say as I am about to drop it all, What, Have to call you back, When, 5 min, How long, click, She is in a place with bad reception and I need to unlock the door. It was about at this moment that I realize I feel slightly wet. J had peeded through everything!! EVERYTHING. and it was a cold night so he had many layers on and they are all soaking. My sweet little boy who hates being dirty didn't even complain the whole way home. He must have sensed that I needed him to chill more than he needed to be changed.
I walk through the door and let everything except the baby fall to the ground. The universe is testing me I feel. The last thing I want to do at this moment is deal with a mess of poop and pee and stained clothes and finding Jonah clean clothes to wear especially this close to bed time. But I am a mom and this is what I do. Deep breath, deep breath, one more. I look into those baby blues, see that smile twinkling up at me and steady myself. It will all be all right. This I can do. I AM A MOM!!! We get changed, we make dinner, he is calm and happy through the whole thing. My exhaustion fades away. Peter comes home. We all have dinner. J goes to bed. P and I make it through exactly 8 min of Prairie Home Companion before we are asleep. Another day done, another day.